Last year at this time, we were anxiously awaiting our Letter of Invitation (LOI) from the government of Kazakhstan.
I was only beginning to believe that maybe, just maybe, this would be our last difficult-to-endure Halloween. I even went out willingly, for the first time in years, and bought candy for the kids who might knock on our door. I was cautiously optimistic, but I was also so, so tired of wanting to be a mom. The wait for that LOI was agonizing. And to those of you who are waiting right now to get your LOI, I wish I could say that we found a way to make that wait easier, but we did not. It was just brutal. The good news is that it DID come (on November 4th - election day this year!). Oh what a day that was!
The thing is, it is all still so fresh in my mind. A whole year later I find myself looking at my daughter and feeling a depth of emotion that is difficult to explain. It is a mix of profound appreciation, intense, unconditional love, undying devotion and, I have to admit, quite a bit of sadness. I hate that she was all alone last year at this time, waiting for us. I hate that she is almost two, but that this is her first Halloween in costume. I know, I know. I shouldn't focus on these things. But I feel compelled to be honest about what is running through my head and heart. Yes, she is thriving and is the cutest pumpkin on the planet. Yes, we'll have a blast at the Halloween parade. Yes, yesterday I went out and bought candy WITH her by my side at our local CVS. That all being said, the more I love and know her, the more I cannot stand that we were without one another for the first 9 1/2 months of her life. I am sure other parents who have adopted children can relate.
Anyways, enough of that.
Here are some fun - really delightful updates:
Marshall has been (successfully!) teaching Aila how to say "I love you!" It is unbearably sweet and cute. And in the last 3 weeks or so, she has suddenly let go in a new way and is starting to lean into us. She runs to give us hugs, and she is even super cuddly these days. Wow, that is huge for her (and for us).
Oh, and joy of joys! Although we are not officially potty training her yet, we've started reading a potty training book to her that is SO CUTE and she LOVES it (Once Upon A Potty)!! She sits on her potty every night before bed, and I read the book to her. She brings it to me constantly, and then, yesterday...well, we had a successful outcome! YIPPEEE! No pressure on our sweetie, as she is only 21 months old, but we'll take success when it comes! I have never been so excited to see a poop in my whole life!
A few more things. Aila says "hi" to everyone and everything. This is how she greets us in the morning. And, she is trying to figure out how to jump. She saw her 6 year old friend, Dahlia, jumping, and has been trying so hard ever since. She's had a few good attempts and I am sure she'll be hopscotching soon. Aila is a huge fan of Elmo and Abby and Grover. She sees Elmo EVERYWHERE and everything about Sesame Street is a thrill for her. And...yesterday, while in CVS, she was looking at a packet of toy letters, and she said, clear as day, "A, B, C, D, E"!!!!! I almost fell over!
We love being Aila's parents. We are tired, and yet life is richer than ever. I am so glad we are on the other side of that wait, living with our sweet, darling daughter. And yet I'm not sure we'll ever be able to forget how hard that wait was. I guess it is just part of our story.
Happy Halloween to all!
- J
18 comments:
Thank you for honesty. I too am saddened that Garret didn't have a mommy and until he was almost six. That he was forced to say goodbye to many of his friends left with their forever families. Did he ever wonder why no one ever visited him? These are all questions I'm certain we'll have to answer later on.
In the meantime, both our little sweeties are thriving, Aila is such a smart little cookie. Thanks for the update—she is a stunning little girl.
Happy Halloween!
Ooops...I haven't had my coffee yet so my writing is downright awful today. My post should've read: Thank you for your honesty. I too am saddened that Garrett didn't have a mommy and daddy until...
Thanks for being honest about the difficulty of your wait and the residual sadness that still impacts your lives. My head knows that every adoption story includes loss, but sometimes I have to remind my heart :)
I'm glad your little pumpkin is celebrating Halloween with you this year. Last Halloween, we were bowling in Kazakhstan with another American family, but poor Roxana had to stay at the baby house dressed in 100 mismatched layers instead of a cute costume. This year, she's getting all dressed up and is having fun!
Yes, that 9 1/2 months is a gap in all our lives -- but here we are, and here she is and we are so very blessed. But it does still hurt to think of her without us all during those early days of her life - but we WERE with her metaphysically. Perhaps that is what carried all of us through.
You cannot possibly see it, being so close to her 24/7, but what you have done for our beautiful baby granddaughter in the 11+months you've been her parents is astounding. I am not at all surprised at how she is thriving - it is all that motherly and fatherly love and attention that have her singing the ABCs and living a life she could not have imagined. It's a win win.
I WISH we could be there for her first Halloween at home but as you know all too well, life has a way of throwing odd curves. We just move on and plan next year!
i love to see your gorgeous, smart, happy, thriving daughter and I can understand how you are sad in a way too.
Last Halloween, our dossier had just landed in Kazakhstan and this year, I have my Bob Marley and my pink poodle. Pink Poodle is taking a power nap before everyone comes over at six, and i should be cleaning the kitchen, getting ready for everyone, but no, I would rather check on my blogga buddies and boy am I glad I am!
I bet you that Alia trains on the potty very fast. Leeza sure has and now she is quick quick quick--on and off,, with her business cuz she wants to play! :)
I hear Elmo is the crazy among the 18 month old + set, but Leeza has not been exposed yet. She
She has not watched her baby einstein videos since we've been home either.
She is very enterained by the dog and her big brother right now.....
I am so happy that you are so happy with your lovely daughter-it's so clear that the love she has for you and her daddy have changed her so much.
Leeza has MAMA down pat and calls for me-so cute!!
I can't imagine when she says I LOVE YOU!
right now, I think it's cool that she can kiss her toes and point to her belly button. LOL
Happy Halloween sweet Robinson family!!
Mitch and I just had the best Halloween we've ever had, taking Tyler trick or treating. I used to hid out in our house, hoping that no kids would come, and I always waited until the last minute to buy our candy. It is so great to finally be on the other side, but we won't be able to forget that long wait either, and it's still hard for us to imagine what it must have been like for Tyler.
Last Halloween was the day Tyler and I left Semey for Almaty, and we are so thrilled that here he is, one year later, just another American kid begging for candy.
It's so nice to hear how well Aila is doing, too. She's so smart! Happy Halloween!
It sure is amazing what a difference a year makes, huh? It is so much fun to watch the changes in these little people. That is so amazing that Aila is saying I love you. It is moments like those that are better than anything in the entire world. You know, for whatever it is worth, I don't think you should ever forget what it took you to get where you are. It was a long hard road, with an absolutely beautiful result. I think the road that gets you there sometimes makes you appreciate the result that much more.
And the potty and ABC's. WOW. She is one smart cookie!
Happy Halloween, Aila!!
PS- Since last year, November 4th was such a happy day for you with your LOI and everything, maybe this November 4th you could accept some disappointment :-) Sorry, just had to throw that out there! :-)
XOXO
Wow, this is the best post ever! Thank you for sharing so much. I am so glad you had a wonderful Halloween with such a filled to bursting heart.
Aila certainly is the cutest little pumpkin ever! What a happy smile on her face.
Christmas was the holiday that was similar in nature to me. Christmas 2006 was absolutely horrid. I just *knew* in my gut that my baby was laying in a crib all alone half a world away and I could do nothing, absolutely NOTHING for her. Add that to the fact that my brother's child was 3 months old, and everyone was toasting to him and celebrating his first Christmas and everyone was ignoring me and my baby girl who was all alone in some orphanage. My heart kept breaking over and over again that entire holidy. I hated that Christmas! Christmas 2007 though... oh my. What a difference a year makes as you know well!
Congratulations to Aila on the poop! What a big girl. That's such a nice bed time routine. I might have to get that book. We have Elmo's potty DVD. Oh my! Email me if you get it and watch it! LOL!
And last, but certainly NOT least (in fact MOST), I am so happy for you on the "I love you's." My heart is just filled for you with tears in my eyes. Seriously. I know how much you treasure that, and I couldn't wish a better gift on one of my dearest friends. Happy Halloween to all of you!
Lots of love,
Jen and Gigi (and Jim too)
Totally understand what you are saying. Even though we have our girls now, it is still so sad to think of them lying around unploved when we would have loved them from their very first breath. She looks darling in her pumpkin outfit.
Aila is the MOST BEAUTIFUL pumpkin around!!!
She sure does make that outfit! So glad that you are all able to be together this year for Halloween. Our holidays (and lives) will never be the same. : )
Thanks also for sharing about the angst that you have. The paths to our children are never easy, and although there is SO much joy, the reality is that there is also a painful side associated with the journey.
Go Aila with your abc's and poopin' in the potty! Woohoo.
It's been too long since we have seen your lovely faces (and even since we've heard your voices) so hopefully we'll be able to work something out soon.
Enjoy your weekend together,
hugs, the boothbay gang
You know that you have the most beautiful child inside and out because of everything that you have all had to go through. And if you had that first 9 1/2 months that you are currently grieving that you would only be that biological thingamajig and not the REAL mother (but shhhh, only adoptive families know this secret).
What a great post! and the cutest pumpkin ever, I do believe! Thanks for sharing about how you felt before becoming a family. I felt much the same. Every halloween I was the pit stop for all of my friends kids for potty breaks and I always wished I could be a mommy. Finally at age 42 my dream came true. I also wonder what he went through without us but we are sure make up for lost time now as he is the busiest 2.5 yr old I know. Aila sounds like she isn't skipping a beat either. Congratulations on your first Halloween together. Gena, Jaimie and Berik
Wow, nearly one year ago today you got word that your daughter was in Semey, what an amazing thought!
I can totally relate to your sadness to have had to be apart for the first 9 1/2 months of Aila's little life. I find myself in total sadness sometimes wondering what Zahri's life would be if she were still at the Baby House. They just blossom with love, it is amazing how much she has learned and grown and opened up and..........it is all way too emotional and amazing!
It is so fun to continue to touch base and see Aila growing.
Christy :)
She is the cutest pumpkin ever! My what a difference a year makes! I kept telling everybody that it was Miras' first Halloween too and they kind of looked at me funny, understanding that he is older than 12 mos. And it IS sad that we weren't able to experience it last year and dress him in his little 'bunting.' Better late than never!
We used to host an annual 'Day of the Dead' party and didn't last year because we were in the middle of the paperchase. And this year we had our hands full as new parents. So, next year, we'll have to reinstate the tradition!
Thanks for the update too - it's so great to hear that things are going well. And I'm optimistic about the potty progress....
Hi again,
as an update after your comment on our blog...
Tougy didn't figure out how to open the candy on her own. She had no idea there was anything tasty in there. She just liked picking up the different pieces and playing with them. I gave her 1/2 of the snack sized hershey's bar before bed and then Steve and I ate the rest of the candy after she went to sleep. (shh, don't tell : )
Wow she has just blossomed into a beauty. It is bittersweet to think about them before their forever families came. Keep enjoying your holidays to the fullest.
Once upon a potty is a gem. We read the little boy's version. It's quite cute although I am the only one who will read it aloud in the house. Lol.
What a cute pumpkin!! I can relate on your feelings from last year. Even though we had met Ben, we had just returned home last Halloween waiting for who knows how long for a court date. It was challenging to see all the little ones knowing that mine was around the world.
Yay on the poop!! Isn't it amazing how our perspective on life changes when poop in the potty brings us joy?
Hugs!
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